Talking with People Who Have Different Views
Tips and Resources for Talking Across Differences
Talking with family and friends can feel tricky during election years. There have been quite a few recent articles about the challenges of navigating relationships with loved ones who have different political, social, or religious views. Some people worry about arguments if they try to talk openly, while others prefer to steer clear of divisive topics to keep the peace—or they’re simply tired of politics.
Here are some easy-to-skim tips and resources to help reduce stress and strengthen connections—while staying true to yourself. Feel free to share these with anyone who might find them helpful!
You can decide how much you engage in conversations about politics or other sensitive topics.
Do you prefer to focus on subjects that might lead to less conflict, or are you hoping for a deeper conversation? Although you can’t predict what topics others will bring up, it can be helpful to think ahead about how much you want to discuss potentially tense issues during a particular gathering or with certain people. Having a few strategies in mind for navigating loaded conversations—or shifting the focus to something else—can help things go more smoothly.
If you Decide to Talk about Tricky Subjects…
Things to Do Before the Conversation
Clarify Your Goal. Think about what you want to achieve—whether it’s understanding the other person’s perspective, sharing your own, or finding common ground. Approaching the discussion as an opportunity to connect or learn, rather than to “win,” helps keep things respectful and strengthens relationships.
If You Feel Strongly About the Subject:
Consider an alternative approach to debating. It’s natural to feel the urge to debate when you care deeply about a topic. Interestingly, research shows that debates rarely change minds. People are more likely to be open to new ideas when they feel heard and respected. Approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than confrontation can make a big difference. Learn more: Want to persuade an opponent? Try listening. Take a Moment to Ground Yourself. Pausing before or during the conversation to reduce emotional tension can help you stay calm, open, and less defensive. Here are five quick grounding techniques from the American Psychological Association that are backed by science. Research Thoughtfully. If you plan to share information, make sure it’s factual and comes from trusted sources. Keep in mind, though, that people with opposing views may not see the same sources as credible. As noted above about the research on listening versus debating, it is often more effective to focus on understanding each other’s experiences than to rely on “facts.” Having an Ally Can Help. If you’re worried about others being harsh about your beliefs or identity—like your gender or sexual orientation—having an ally can be helpful. This could be a family member or a friend you bring along if that’s welcome. Before the gathering, talk about how they can support you—joining the conversation, offering a supportive look, or being there for emotional support afterward. If an in-person ally isn’t possible, checking in with someone after the event can still provide comfort.
Things to Do During the Conversation Start with Shared Values: Find common ground to build trust and connection. For example, “We both care about creating a better future for our kids.” Listen Actively: Let them explain their beliefs without interrupting. Repeat back key points to show you’ve understood. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage them to elaborate on their views. Examples: “What led you to this perspective?” or “How do you see this affecting people in our community?” Avoid Loaded Language: Use neutral terms to avoid triggering defensiveness. For example, you could say “policy” instead of “agenda.” Use “I” Statements: Frame your perspective with phrases like, “I feel…” or “I’ve noticed…” instead of “You…” statements, which can sound accusatory. Acknowledge Valid Points: Respectfully agree where possible, to show you’re doing your best to stay open. Focus on Solutions: Discuss practical ideas or actions rather than dwelling on differences.
If Things Get Heated Pause and Redirect: If emotions rise, you can take a breather or shift to a less contentious aspect of the topic. Express genuine caring despite differences: It’s okay to conclude that you see things differently and still respect each other and care about each other.
After the Conversation Reflect and Learn: Consider what you learned about their perspective and what might improve future discussions. Stay Open to Dialogue: If it feels healthy for you, keep the door open for future conversations, even if this one was tough.
If you Decide to Steer Clear of Tricky Subjects…
Set Boundaries Ahead of Time: If certain topics are known to cause conflict, it can be helpful to agree as a family to steer clear of them. For example, “Let’s focus on celebrating and save political debates for another time.” Redirect with Humor or Gratitude: If a tense topic arises, shift the focus to a positive or light-hearted subject. For example, “That’s a big question! But first, can we talk about how great this pie is?” Set Boundaries in the Moment: If you haven’t had a chance to talk ahead of time about avoiding certain topics, you can let others know in the moment that you prefer to focus on connecting as a family. You can’t control what other people say, but you have choices about how you respond. E.g. “I’d rather focus on being together than topics that can lead to arguments.” If someone continues to push you to talk, you can let them know you need to end the conversation, or go use the bathroom, help with dishes, talk with someone else, etc.
Whatever Happens, Be Kind to Yourself.
Although these types of tips can be helpful for many people, they may not work for you or your family. Whatever happens, give yourself credit for trying to maintain relationships while being authentic. It can be hard work! We hope that this is a helpful place to start.
Resources for Talking Across Differences
Interested in how receptive you are to viewpoints different from your own?
Take an anonymous survey, designed by researchers at Harvard and other research universities, and see your results. Can you “talk the talk?” This tool allows you to type or paste in a (real or imagined) message to someone you disagree with, and the tool will provide a score to tell you how receptive your message is likely to sound.
Living Room Conversations (LRC) is an organization that “connects people within communities and across differences through dialogue to build trust and understanding.” They have guides and models for hosting facilitated conversations in public or private settings, and they also have educational materials for improving informal conversations that align with the tips we shared in this article. Their newest guide is about listening.
5 Tips for Talking Across Differences and Disagreements
Intergroup Dialogue Training Center Co-Directors Jazmin Pichardo and Carlton Green offer Guidance for Productive Conversations in Polarized Times.
14 Minute Radio story from the NPR series, Seeking Common Ground: Have a politically divided family? These tips help you talk across the dinner table.
